the tangent universeThe greatest blog I ever did revolved around movies, Chicken Run, in fact. But that got destroyed in a power-out roughly three seconds before I committed it to permanent storage. Losing data is like death, except it hopefully doesn't come in threes, unless you're really really careless.
A month ago I burried my Nana. it's not so bad, you know, she had a good life, and old people die, fact of life, part of it. I even considered putting a photo here in my blog. I think, at that point, I entered an altered consciousness, I became introspective in productive ways, yet outwardly a bit of a grumpy bastard. I did not see a six foot rabbit.
Then there was the wee girl, I didn't know her, wasn't even close to her, but some people close to me were, and it sort of spilled over into my life. She was only three, and she burned to death. And there were all the moral questions surrounding this, how the father could have saved the boy, but not her. He's in intensive care with first degree burns, beaten back by flames, won't get out for months, but still, my mind wouldn't let it go, like some past mistake, the scenario replayed and replayed, and all the different things I might have done to prevent this tragedy. What could I do? I was miles away. I didn't even know the girl, but it's like family dying. It hit me worse than my Nana's passing. What's that about?
Some days later, around midday I get woken up, a woman's voice, I'm sleepy still, but I won't forget the words..
And I just sort of went into shock, numb. I was close to Danny, a local "young lad at a bad age", mixing with the wrong crowd, usual story. But he was bright, like an angel bright, though a wee shite most of the time. I was looking forward to watching him make good, which he would have, and changed the world. That kind of kid. A bad start but a good end, you could see it in the arc of his thoughts. And now he's dead, seventeen years old. What the fuck is that about?
I hadn't seen him for a while. And then here I am seeing him all the time, replaying things, pivotal moments, questions: what could I have done? Could I have done anything? Said something? me Me ME!
Only those left behind feel pain. Death is for the living, a wake-up call to action, to wise up and do better next time, whenever we get that chance. Death is for the living, to think introspective thoughts, a time to enjoy memories, have doubts. A time to question our faith.
I have Faith, though I'm no religious man. I see the universe as it really is; Jesus as a blueprint, God the man with the plan, and no thing outside His thoughts. This isn't religion, that just causes wars, and maybe stepping stones, I guess. I'm a realist, and I see my evolution lifetimes in the working, and nothing is lost.
This isn't Donnie Darko, but it could be. Last night, when I was out walking, it all became clear to me, the moment I live in, the eternity of things, of thoughts, and when I awoke today, the world was seeped in a new light. This isn't the first time this has happened.
it's fear. it's killing us all. I'm not afraid to die, but sometimes I am afraid to live. But while I am, I can do something about that, I can speak instead of stay silent, act rather than remain inactive. I can chose these moments, and what I fill them with, and I can chose to be thankful.
Yes, that's what it mostly is. I feel thankful. Mostly that it's not me that's dead, or rather "to be alive". And I'm thankful, real thankful, for all the fond memories of the times with those beautiful souls no longer around. In time, when you miss people, it brings a smile to your face, and that's the way it should be.
Nana was a gem, and the source of many of my better character attributes. Even though she was in pain, and her death a release, some of my family will die still grieving. Life is for the living; when my Papa died she picked herself back up and got on with life. If any of you happen across this blog, let that be a blueprint for your mourning.
And Danny, fucksake man! Oh how you will be missed! So many folk close to us have yet to feel the real sting of this. Your body isn't in the ground yet, they're keeping it for tests. What can I do?
Well, I've already thought of a few good things, so instead of pouring over this, editing, I'm off to do one of them right now.
I re-ordered my "list".