Abrasive Mouthwash

it's not every day that someone comes round and dumps a sellable quantity of quality drugs in my lap for free, maybe twice a month..

And it was during one of those days that I came up with the idea for Abrasive Mouthwash. it's just like regular mouthwash, but it's got bits in it. You swirl it around, and it cleans your teeth.

You see, sometimes I go for weeks without cleaning my teeth, and though that's definitely not something to be proud of, it's the truth, I just forget about them, until I get toothache of course. Just one more thing to take for granted I guess, especially on those long runs when the flesh is so distant, bodily needs so vague and unimportant.

it's INSANE!!!! I mean, my teeth are one of the most important parts of my body, top three certainly.

I have no direct control over the planet's air-pollution problems, or the pesticides seeping all over, the gene-splicers and their unnatural experiments, and certainly not the factory up-river that was certified clean last year, really, there was a report.

I buy organic, but even organic fruit and veg breathes the same air as the factory-stewed stuff, except it gets to dance about naked, chanting. And when I'm not eating at home, I have no control over the food's preparation, either. it's a nightmare scenario!

I even have no direct control over my own digestive functions, they just kinda get on with it regardless (I can affect my digestion in many ways, but not the chemical munchy-crunchy stuff, not directly)

And so it is my mouth; those four inches right at the end of the food chain; there, and there alone, I have complete and total control.

Now, while I flippantly sum up the whole enlightenment process with the phrase "some of the stuff your parents told you was true", There's a lot of stuff they didn't tell me. When I eventually finish "Things your father should have told you, but probably didn't", one of its thirty-one pieces will DEFINITELY be about chewing.

This isn't a blog about chewing,
I do that another day.

Some time ago, in that dark period of my life I call "The Rock 'n' Roll years", I was acquainted with an interesting chap (our roadie-cum-technician dude), a speed-freak also addicted to purchasing music, also addicted to chewing, amongst other things (who doesn't have at least a dozen addictions?)

His mother had drummed it into him, FORTY CHEWS, FORTY CHEWS NO LESS!, and so he went through life, chewing everything forty times, though he'd kicked the "habit" by the time I met him and had instead taken to swallowing food near-whole, a lifestyle change with two rather drastic side-effects; the first, a large and spectacularly mis-shaped Adam's apple, unsightly, and the second, he became anorexic, like a pole he was, though the first effect could easily be blamed on the second, and the second could certainly be attributed to the vast quantities of amphetamines that used to travel up his FIRST most important body-part. Nose.

So where does that leave my chewing argument? doesn't touch it, I got sack-fulls of good evidence that improperly chewed food is a Major Problem for Mankind (MPM), and in the main, an unseen problem of civilised society. I couldn't begin to express how vitally important it is, nor how broken mankind has become because of something as "trivial" as not chewing our food properly. Well, maybe I could begin..

Better than all the evidence, I like this anecdotal story from the Second-World War..

A group of Prisoners-of-War were being held in a torturous Japanese POW camp. Starving to death in the most horrendous living conditions, they realised that they would all die there. they had given up.

One night, two of the prisoners decided to end it all, and picked berries from a bush that was well known to be deadly poisonous, figuring on a quick death. Just before eating the berries, they happened on the idea of a wee game, as humans do, where they would see who could chew the berries the longest, and so they did..

The next morning they weren't dead. In fact, they felt great. They decided to repeat the "experiment" the next night, and the following night, and so on. within a couple of weeks, the men were once again glowing, radiantly healthy, well-nourished soldiers. the end.


Now, I don't know if that's a true story, but it sure rings closest to what I myself have come to understand about the power of chewing; nullifying poison is only the beginning of Saliva's tricks. We just don't have the equipment to measure all the magic that goes on in the mouth, not yet.

But drumming it into kids numerical-regimental style isn't effective, drumming anything in that way isn't, is it? Not these days. Maybe their mum's mum did it to her kids, and being of an earlier generation was unable to rebel and "see the light", start gulping food like a pillock. Wait a minute, that's not right.

The cells of the body never rebel "just for the hell of it", they always have a damned good reason, and it's usually along the lines of "look matey, There's only so much stuff we can pull-off with the crap you're feeding us". And though the body's wisdom is infinitely great, and its management of resources a daily miracle, eventually, inevitably, something's got to give. Like we care?

Fuck the sacrament! Fuck the magical energy exchange! Fuck Nature! And why don't we just fuck off and have a MacDonald's? don't give thanks, no! just give some guy in a silly hat 99p, that's easier, isn't it? Oh! we're forming their little habits alright.

What are we DOING???

Okay, what about some common sense? apply a wee bit of headology maybe, that sorta stuff, see what comes out..

The Tuesday Group sits down to eat, at last. Everyone, after a short thanks-giving, tucks into their food with gusto. The adults, being enlightened human animals, are chewing away like crazy, tasting and mashing and rolling their food around inside that magical mouth machine, releasing layer upon layer of flavour and pleasure and energy and nutrition.

The kids don't notice any of this, there is food.

Adult C stands up, points at child A (think last scene from Invasion of the Body Snatchers), pale and horrified (that time in drama school is really paying off now, huh?) and shouts (not screams)..

 "OMG! YOU JUST SWALLOWED A LUMP!!!! I SAW IT!!!!"

Other humans turn to child in SHOCK and horror. Child A halts mid-gulp, looks left and right. The adults are deadly serious, but There's something humorous in their eyes, he doesn't feel scared at all.

 "You don't swallow lumps child! Only Liquid! that's what teeth are FOR! Your belly doesn't have teeth! your belly doesn't have spit! how will you digest all the starchy bits?"

Slightly baffled by the science aspect, but nevertheless enthralled by the general mood of the monologue, child A immediately reviews his current chewing policy, all by himself.


Forget the numbers parents! There is only one rule..

NEVER SWALLOW LUMPS! ONLY LIQUID!

(once you master it you'll realise that in fact you never swallow at all, it's automatic.. when the food is ready to be swallowed)

Truly, you will mess up their little heads in innumerable ways by the time they escape your evil clutches, but if you can instil this simple thing, you have passed on one of nature's most important laws, good work!

Another handy one..

person a: have you noticed how some food needs to be chewed more than others?
person b: erm, yeaahh.
person a: good!


I'm throwing down the gauntlet, see?

And until someone comes up with a genius-dipped teaching method for getting me to clean my teeth every day, I'm gonna continue work on the mouthwash, cuz I go through that stuff by the gallon.

With Abrasive Mouthwash™ I'd have the cleanest sparkliest teeth in Scotland in a month, I reckon.

for now..

;o) Cor

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