God in Computer Terms
SOME IMPORTANT THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED
IF WE THINK OF GOD AS A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER.
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's
tedious to step through all those variables.
Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?
A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the
Q: Does God know everything?
A: He likes to think so, but he is often amazed to
find out what goes on in the overnight job.
Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly
A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages
him automatically and he logs on from home to try
to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until
Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?
A: He did it in six days and nights while living
on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went
home and found out his girlfriend had left him.
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project,
now we are in the maintenance phase.
Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white
board, but doubt that it will ever be implemented.
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for
more powers than he actually possesses, so people
who aren't programmers are scared of him. God
thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.
Q: What is the role of sinners?
A: Sinners are the people who find new and
imaginative ways to mess up the system when God
has made it idiot-proof.
Q: Where will I go after I die?
A: Onto a backup tape.
Q: Will I be reincarnated?
A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate
you. And searching backup files is a major hassle,
so if there is a request for you, God will just
say that the tape has been lost.
Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?
A: There are over 10,000 major university and
corporate sites running exact duplicates of you in
the present release version.
Q: What is the purpose of the universe?
A: God created it because he values elegance and
simplicity, but then the users and managers
demanded he tack senseless features onto it and
now everything is more complicated and expensive
Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?
A: You can waste his time telling him what to do,
or you can just get off his back and let him
Q: What is the one true religion?
A: All systems have their advantages and
disadvantages, so just pick the one that best
suits your needs and don't let anyone put you
Q: How can I protect myself from evil?
A: Change your password every month and don't make
it a name, a common word, or a date like your
Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God.
Is this true?
A: They are much more likely to receive e-mail.
Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your
query in the form of a question. Abort, Retry,