Mario Kart

It's not something I'm used to; being told I'm useless. But it was actually a fair assessment. When it comes to any video game that isn't one of those few games I devoted hours to as a younger me, I'm like a five-year-old. I was always more interested in creating things; games among them.

So.. Holiday came along. Then the inevitable "trip to Grannie and Grandad's". And so a few days TO MYSELF.

Sure, there are all sorts of wonderful things a man can do when presented with a few days of me-time, and God-knows I could do with a few of them, but this is more important.

Mario Kart

Okay, maybe not a five-year-old. I did spend a few hours playing Carmaggeddon and II back when they were a thing. So obviously I skipped 50cc altogether.

100cc took a few hours. I had to Google a couple of the tracks to pick up some tricks. 150cc took way more hours, working through all the cups, unlocking shit. By the way, on winning all the cups, nothing happens. Even if that last cup took you like thirty tries.

Yadda Yadda, why am I blogging this nonsense, you might wonder. Two reasons. Ish.

The first, simply to ask nintendo to prioritise the texture detail in the next console (I guess that will be Switch 2, if the current rumours are correct). I want to see the individual hairs on Donkey Kong's beautiful coat, billowing and buffeted and all the other wonderful wind-based verbs you can think of.

And I have a few requests for the MK9. Increasing the ridiculous SIX races save limit in MKTV being at the top of the list. I want to kick back one night and watch "My 50 greatest races".

And the online "chat". My God! I'd at least like the ability to create a few of my own custom buttons. "Go easy on me, I'm sloshed", being the first one I'd make, as online play is definitely best done drunk*.

"You Bastards!" would be another favourite; or rather, "U B45tard5!", or something like that. And maybe "WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE THIS RACE!?!"***.

Automatic language translation has come a long way so there's no excuse not to let us do our own thing (the translation engine could also remove expletives, of course).

And secondly, DONKEY KONG!

Rewind... So, I'm messing with the details, "optimising" my ride.. I kept Mario all through 100cc, but he started to show his limits in 150cc.. Morton is a favourite, but sometimes too fast. Rosalina is fast too, but somehow not the same as..

DONKEY KONG!

Maybe not quite so fast, but HOLEE MOLEE, the boy can MOVE! Well, of course; he's a monkey. Wait, what? I don't see an "agility" stat anywhere.

On paper, by which I mean, mk8dxbuilder, they are virtually identical. In fact, DK technically has way less traction. But that's not how it works when I play the game. In the game he is AGILE. Well of course; he's a monkey.

While not a dedicated gamer myself, I've always admired Nintendo's attention to detail; so this sort of thing comes as no surprise. I wonder what other characters bring their character to the roles. My Mii seems to share similar agility; perhaps my Wii Fit data is being accessed. Or maybe it's just the too much whisky..

I have a system. Start relatively sober and when I win a race, I get a sip. Actually, any positive result earns a sip**. The better the result, the bigger the sip. This progressively gives everyone else a better chance of winning.

Early in the session, I can rip around those shroomless shortcuts like 12 year old. After a few wins and top placings I'm living in the pack and careening off the edge of Rainbow Road like a baby.

This is when things get fun. Especially as, having previously dominated the lobby, one is now THE target for all shell attacks. I love it! And I'm happy to bleed points to n00bs at this point, revelling in the mayhem that is not-first-place.

It's a funny old race (game). Part skill, part experience, part strategy, part (perhaps the biggest part) dumb luck. And that's what makes it so appealing. And addictive.

;o)