Yo momma so fat were in her right now Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitches good side! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops. Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family. Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights! Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so supid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterbacks a refund! Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"? Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo momma so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo momma so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo momma so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind. Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote! Yo momma so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies! Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly she had to get her baby drunk to breastfeed it! Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween! Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday! Yo momma so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects! Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry! Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her! Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number! Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus a nickel. Yo momma so old when God said "Let their be light", she flipped the switch. Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade. Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, "Li'l Mary will never amount to anything". Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!! Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. Yo momma so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers. Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp. Yo momma so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage." Yo momma so poor she drives a peanut. Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent! Yo momma so dark she spits chocolate milk! Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent. Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers. Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo momma so short she poses for trophies! Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence! Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb. Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed. Yo momma so short she models for trophys. Yo momma so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt Yo momma so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh! Yo momma so nasty she made speed stick slow down. Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach Yo momma so nasty she made right guard turn left. Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater. Yo momma so nasty that her shit is glad to escape. Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off Yo momma so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh. Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection. Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up! Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke! Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on! Yo momma like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn! Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride! Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one! Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country! Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her! Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows! Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw! Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her! Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package! Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded. Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter. Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow. Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap! Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck. Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples! Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley! Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball! Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt! Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and it said "breakfast of the champs" Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change. Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought she was getting it three times. Yo momma so slutty I fucked her and I's a chick! Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man. Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers! Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat! Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo momma so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles! Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter! Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared. Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn't help! Yo momma so bald you can see whats on her mind Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed. Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth. Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida. Yo momma so flat she's jealous of the wall! Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving. Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future. Yo momma has an afro with a chin strap. Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle. Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses. Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it. Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper. Yo momma has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back. Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree. Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying. Yo momma has a 'fro with warning lights. Yo momma has 10 fingers--all on the same hand. Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it. Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles. Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaude. Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger! Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward. Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo. Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it. Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns. Yo momma got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!!!! Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches. Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind. Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies! Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside. Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches. Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice. Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts. Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar. Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died. Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!" Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates! Yo momma aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back! Yo momma lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray. It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat! Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them. Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone. Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on. Yo momma twice the man you are. Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9. Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. Yo momma middle name is Rambo. Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more." Yo momma rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals. Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday. Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound. Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo. Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck. Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mamma so fat, she wore a X t-shirt, and a helicopter landed on her Yo mamma so skinny, she hang glides with a Dorito Yo mamma so stupid, she thinks hamburger helper comes with another person Yo mamma so stupid, she thinks menopause is a button I'll hit you so hard you'll have to take off your shoes to shit! I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi! I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy! I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall! when I see a christmas card that says "Ho-Ho-Ho!", I know to address it to your mom. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't, but even if you don't, you are still a nut. your mom is like an elevator - if you push the right button she'll go down on you! your mom is like a shotgun... one cock and she's ready to blow. your mom is like a racecar - she can burn four rubbers in one night! the only difference between your mother and a subway is not EVERYBODY has ridden a subway. your mom has a pussy on her hip, so she can make money on the side! you were jerking off in a plastic bag and somebody asked "What are you doing?" and you said: "Packing my lunch." your mom is like a TV set, anyone can turn her on. your mom is like a gas station - eventually everyone gets a pump. your mom is like a TV set, anyone can turn her on. your mom is like a gas station - eventually everyone gets a pump. your mom is so fat she ordered a double room for a singles weekend! your mom is so fat that she irons her clothes in the driveway! your mom is so fat, she has to use a satellite dish for a diaphragm. your mom is so fat that she had to get baptized at sea world your mom is so fat that they use her underwear for bungee jumping! your mom is so fat - she's got more chins than chinatown! your mom is so fat that you gotta grease the tub to get her in the bath! you remind me of a toilet bowl - fat, round, and full of shit. your mom is so fat that cars run out of gas just trying to pass her ass! your mom is so fat she's gotta sleep in a barn with the rest of the cows. your mom is like a hoover, turn her on and she sucks! Are you sure the nurses know you're using the computer? Does the zoo know that you and the other baboons got loose? your sister sucks so much dick she could sell her spit to a sperm bank! your dad is like cement, it takes him two days to get hard! Your about as cool as the fruit loops I had for breakfast! If you want to do better, you should lower your prices; 50 cents a night is a little high! My dog says that for now on, you have to start paying him! Since you can't run with the big dogs, just sit on the porch and lick! When you were born, did the doctor slap the wronge end by mistake? I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet. When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity. Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much. I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is definately the real thing. You're the best at all you do - and all you do is make people hate you. Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another? The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you. When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents. All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down. I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much. I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in. You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide. No one should be punished for an accident of birth but you look too much like a wreck not to be. Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being. You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along. You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet. I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure. You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to. At your speed you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium. If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny. Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull? You have nothing to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you. It's your life --- but I wish you'd let us have it. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I'll think so. Man alive! But I wish you weren't. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead. I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat. You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would. You have a face only a mother could love - and she hates it! You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light. I've stepped on crap smarted than you! I don't even think a horse would let you ride him! You're just like a bus; 50 cents and you're ready to ride! You're just like a soda machiene. 50 cents for the next generation! You're so hairy, even big foot wants to get a picture of you! You're so ugly, not even a mirror will look at you! You're so fat, when you were in school you sat next to EVERYONE! You're so fat, when you go to an amusement park, people try to ride YOU! You're so fat, you have to iron your pants in the driveway! You're so fat, when you were yellow shirts, helecopters try to land on you! You're so stupid, you have to ask directions just to look behind you! You're so stupid, you got locked in a grocery store and starved! You're so stupid, when the weather man said it was chilly, you grabbed a spoon! You're so poor, when you walk in the front door, you also walk out the back door! Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail. Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns. Yo momma house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it. Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. Your home has more miles on it than your car. Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You've ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door. You burn your front yard rather than mow it. You were born out of your mother's arse 'cos her cunt was too busy. If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards. I saw your momma at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle. I saw your momma kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving." You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. Fewer than half of your cars run. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog. You're an expert on worm beds. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!" Your family tree does not fork. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. You haul more than U-Haul. There is a gun rack on your bicycle. Your wedding was held in the delivery room. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You pick your teeth from a catalog. You've ever financed a tattoo. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You go to the family reunion to pick up women. your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. Birds are attracted to your beard. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. Bikers back down from your momma. You were shooting pool when your kids were born. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?" You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!) You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom. You clean your nails with a stick. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You've ever bought a used cap. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right' You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. Red Man sends you a Christmas card. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator. You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You mow your lawn and find a car. You can spit without opening your mouth. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You've never paid for a haircut. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just"misunderstood". You've ever made change in the offering plate. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve... You own at least 20 baseball hats. You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. Your screen door has no screen. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..." Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not. You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house The ASPCA raids your kitchen. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You". You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story) The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it). You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. Your dad is also your favorite uncle. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!" You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..." You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You bring your dog to work with you. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. Your masseuse uses lard. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D. On stag night, you take a real deer. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. Your back porch is bigger than your house. There is more oil in your cap than in your car. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. Your secret family recipe is illegal. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. You think cur is a breed of dog. People hear your car long before they see it. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat". You've ever hitchhiked naked, You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine." The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. You take a fishing pole to Sea World. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. You list your parole officer as a reference. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup. You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.